Look at me! Look at me!

Recently I encountered a situation and it has spurred a mix of emotions, thoughts, and rants within me.

& so, being as I am trying to actually be a writer and write things because that's what writers do- I figured I might as well share this most recent revelation. I also figured to best explain my thoughts, I thought I might use the assistance of the Kardashian clan to help me out in gif form.

Topic: Social Media

Subject: Information Sharing

I am not really sure where to begin. I apologize now if this post seems discombobulated because it more than likely will be. I keep witnessing the same scenario over and over again and I am just so sick of it.

I call it the "Look at Me" syndrome. 

 

You know them. The people who are constantly posting on social media to essentially get people to "Look at them." "look at me, I am being social." "Look at me, I am cool and drinking a fancy drink." "Look at me, I am so in love." "Look at me, I actually had something cool happen to me."

And these "look at me" people seem to fall into at least two categories: the "look at me, I rarely post unless I had something big happen or somebody else has something big happen and I want to piggyback their successes" or "look at me, I post all the time and think that every time I do anything I need to post a picture."

& I am not being a hypocrite because I once was the latter. Ever since my parents bought me my first digital camera for Christmas [and almost every year since being as I'm a klutz with technology-but as usual, I digress], I was obsessed with documenting my life, but I mean I have loved photos from a young age- this is nothing new. I loved looking at old photos with my mom and learning the stories behind them. So I decided to document my life and the people who made it so wonderful. I took pictures of everything. Food I was eating. What we were doing in class. What we did in cheerleading. Every little thing I could...and I did it for years. In fact, I think I did it from about 6th or 7th grade until my present day and age. I love photographs. They can bring so much emotion and tell so many stories. 

There is nothing wrong with any of that.

My problem came when I discovered Facebook. The bottomless pit entered my life as I entered the 9th grade. I thought all my photos needed to be shared. At the time, Facebook's privacy was awesome and it really was just for friends. No hidden agendas- just simply uploading photos to upload photos. Then Facebook introduced the options to like or share and then now all your friends friends can see their activity, even if they have no idea who you are. 

 

That's really not okay.

The only reason I have kept Facebook is for my family and close friends.

It is not for anyone else and that is why I have been slowly "de-friending" people. If I wouldn't say hi to you at the store, why would I want you knowing my day to day happenings? 

& That's where the competition and hidden agendas come into play. Facebook has become a world of "look at me" people because people crave the likes, the shares, the attention.

I hate attention.

I remember when I started blogging, a few unhappy people would say "you know she's just doing that for attention." Nope. That is not it. I blog because I am a writer. I blog because I need to get these crazy thoughts out of my head. I blog because while it somewhat stirs my sanity, it also tames it.

I do not want all eyes on me. I just want to share my information with people I care about with out people reading all into it.

But that is what we do. People. We read into everything.

& for good reason.

Because everything these days has a hidden agenda.

When I first entered the smart-phone world, I craved the attention. I will admit it. I wanted people to know I was now  "so, hip, so cool". And now I could give a rat's ass [pardon my unladylike wording, but it fit so well here]. & I cannot clean up what I have done. Years and years and years of over-sharing is impossible to erase- not to mention what people must think. I know I should not care about what others think, but I am only human and do. I certainly do not want people to think I upload things to be "loved and adored". I upload pictures as a form of expression or simply to share them with my family. That is really it.

& this brings me to the "Look at me's"

These people suck. I used to be one of them, so I am allowed to say it.

These people have no boundaries and have really lost emotion for people themselves. They do not even think about what they are posting and how it might affect those who love and care about them. Even if you do not want to be, most kids are friends with their parents on Facebook. Do you think your mom likes looking at you drinking every night? What about pictures of you half clothed? Do you think your mom would be proud of those accomplishments?

I think your mom would rather you post intellectual articles or thoughts on life. Not thoughts on what drink you are going to order tonight.

The thing of it is that most people don't think you are cool for what you are doing. You are simply hurting those around you or developing a not so keen reputation. Because even if you are not meaning to come off this way, you do.

& then, these people tend to want to share everything. Especially news that will get all eyes on them. If a situation is getting someone a lot of attention and they can somehow weasel their way into it, they will. They will steal your pictures and post them as their own before you can. Have you ever known someone who has done that? I have. And it sickens me. What gives people the right to think they can announce someone's big news before they can? Let alone, upload someones photos as their own.

This situation makes me want to scream because although you are getting all this gratitude, you just really hurt someone to get those 5 minutes of fame. Those comments are not for you; those comments are for them. Funny that they cannot see them though because it is not their post. Posting a picture of an event you were not even at? Ha, you are a jack-off. Posting someones personal pictures without their permission? Are you even a human being? & I do not mean catfishing. I mean people who do it because they think it is cute and they want people to "look at them".

What you just did seems miniscule. It is just Facebook right? No. Not right. In this day in age nothing is just "Facebook". Facebook sadly means a great deal and you ruined that great deal for somebody. Hope your five minutes of fame were worth it because those people cannot undo what you just did.

Think about it. If you are thinking, "oh, have I done that?", you probably have. You probably should apologize. & you probably should go delete that post- even if it was months or years ago. 

 

As far as sharing on social media goes, be careful with it. I know I am guilty of tweeting something when I am upset and then regretting it. Sure, I go back and delete it, but that tweet still had its time on the internet. It still was out there. It still meant something and it should not have ever been out.

If you go out every night, more power to you. But do you need to have a photo-shoot every time? How many crop tops, mixed drinks, and drunk faces do you really have?

If you love your baby or dog, post all you want. Sure, while not everybody likes it, you are just proud of some living thing. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

If you are attending a concert, attend a concert. Take a few shots, then put down the phone [cue Watsky's "Tiny Glowing Screens"] [but don not cue it if you don't like the occasional curse word. rap music has that]. Enjoy the moment. 

 

If you want to act like somebody's accomplishments are your own, get a life.

My main point is to go out with your friends and do not worry about taking a picture to document it. Enjoy that 5th amaretto sour, but do not tell the world. Ever since I stopped trying to make every night a "photo shoot", my life got so much better. Sure, I will Snapchat- that is what Snapchat is for. I just do not worry about if "we didn't take pictures last night and we looked so good." Yeah, we did look good and we will remember that night because we were not worried about making everybody else notice it. We actually enjoyed it. 

I owe one of my best friends for this. Before her, I was super obnoxious- and I mean like super photo obnoxious. I know it. My friends know it. People who barely know me know it. My best friend does not really like having her picture taken though, which made that part of our relationship difficult. But from that, I stopped worrying about taking pictures because I knew she did not want to. And from there, I have become the person I am today. A person who can go out and enjoy a night at the bar. A person who can do something crazy and not have to tell the whole world. A person who can live in the moment and not worry about how social media would play in. A person who is actually tolerable to be around. 

 

So as I continue this "look at me" detox, I encourage you all to as well. While I might become less photogenic, I think the rewards outweigh the few losses. Put down the phone, put away "the Facebook" and let's have coffee without the pressure of making it worthy to share. & in your spare time, I recommend looking into making your information more private because believe me the internet is kind of like the box of notes you kept from middle school; it is never ending and full of a past-you that is not someone you want to be known as. 

 

I would apologize if this offended anybody, but it really should not offend anybody. While I did have some people in mind in particular, the list is way too long to single out a few. And it is nothing that you should take personal offense to. It is not about you. It is about what you are doing and how it is affecting those around you and how you are making them look at you.

But hey, look at me, <------ see what I did there?

I'm Simply Shelby Sue

P.s. I cannot reiterate enough. Do not post somebody's big news before they do. You are an awful human being. 

 

I am not a trend.

*Disclaimer: my apologies now if this offends anybody. It's not a personal attack towards anyone; it's simply me stating things from my point of view. Take my words with a grain of salt and you do you.

Do you know how frustrating it is when you mention your allergy and have it followed by “oh, you're one of those people?”

No. I am not. 

I am not on the bandwagon because I think it is “hip” or “cool” or “I really want to lose 3 pounds”.

I am gluten-free because I have to be. 

It is forced upon by my body because my body decided it is allergic to wheat, barley, and rye. Sorry if it is inconveniencing you because for some reason being "gluten-free" really pisses people off. I think it stems from the fact that everyone and their dog think they need to be gluten-free. Recently people decided being gluten-free was cool and that they could give their life some significance by forcing themselves to not eat gluten. You know what I have to say to those people?

Screw you.

Screw you for making this disease seem cool. Screw you for making restaurants hate people for being gluten-free. Screw you for making it seem like it is so much fun. Screw you for making it seem like it is a way to lose weight. Screw you for making it seem so easy.

BECAUSE IT IS NOT EASY.

Sure, being gluten-free would be easy if you didn't have to worry about getting gluten in your food and having a reaction because of it. Sure, it would be easy if I could occasionally have pasta or that piece of cake because I'm just doing this as a “diet”. I would love to cheat and eat a whole can of Chef Boyardee.  It would be so nice to go to dinner and not have to worry about what exactly is in things because if I go a little off track, it's not a big deal.

See, it is a big deal. A very big deal. 

For the first two years of my diagnosis, I did not treat it like a big deal. I was surrounded by people who made me feel like I was being a pain in the butt and minimizing my disease to just being a part of this fad. Due to peer pressure, I simply decided it was not that important to put my health first. In reality, all I was doing was destroying my bodies immune system a little more. The more I somewhat ate gluten, the worst I felt, the more pregnant I looked, the more time I spent in the bathroom, and the more sick I was. None of those things are fun.

After a serious wake-up call, I realized what I was doing; it wasn't until then that I realized how much people who go gluten-free for the hell of it piss me off. The worst kind are the ones that never eat that way, but when they are in public they make a huge deal about it. “Oh, I can't eat anything here.” And my favorite part is when I can correct them and say “actually, there is. It's called vegetables. Learn to love them if you are eating this way”.

And you know what it's like when you are a celiac and you get “gluttened”?

It is a lot like what I imagine hell is like

Symptoms that can last days. Brain fog. Spending more than half your day in the bathroom. Your belly resembles someone who is three months pregnant. Rashes. Hot flashes. Feeling like you are about to die. Immune system crashing. Never wanting to leave bed. Feeling like you have been ran over by a car three times in a row. To top it off, more than likely you will be hit with a wave of depression.

Does this sound like fun?

In my most recent "gluttening", I almost walked into a door because my depth perception was off. If you think walking into doors in fun, then I guess you really would love being a celiac. 

 

& to those of you who think it's fun to pretend to be “gluten-free” and conveniently only eat that way when you are around me.

SCREW YOU TIMES INFINITY.

 

Don't send me snapchats saying “gluten-free”. Don't make tweets or status updates about gluten-free. Don't say anything about “us” being gluten-free because it isn't “us”. I am gluten-free because I have an allergy; you are gluten-free for attention. And while attention is a disease, I don't want it associated with my disease because those of us who actually are gluten-free for health reasons would rather the attention be drawn away. 

I would love to be able to go to a restaurant and be normal. I wish I wouldn't have to bug my waiter or waitress for an allergen menu. I wish I wouldn't have to have anxiety worrying about what if I have reaction. I wish I could go through a fast-food drive-thru and order anything I wanted. And I really wish I could indulge in my drunk cravings and eat all the Taco Bell my little heart desires.

& I know people are going to take this rant as someone being a whiny baby, but I am just mad. I am mad at the world for pretending like they understand. I am mad at restaurants for claiming to be gluten-free when they aren't And I'm mad that people get mad at me getting mad and angry at them for the way they treat this "gluten-free" lifestyle as such a cool thing. If you had to live this lifestyle for the rest of your life [well unless science makes a miraculous cure] , you would be angry too.

Imagine a life without deep dish pizza, ball park franks, caramels, pancakes, french toast, donuts, soups, a cheeseburger, sub sandwiches, chicken nuggets, Chinese food , croutons, bread, and anything with wheat in it.

Sure, you could make a gluten-free alternative at home, but there is no comparison.

For now I'm just an angry twenty-something who is pissed off at anything and everyone dealing with being gluten-free because people truly don't understand how hard this lifestyle can be sometimes.  Appreciate the ease of grocery shopping. Appreciate not knowing how to read labels. Appreciate microwavable meals; more importantly, appreciate frozen microwavable meals that don't cost $5.00 each. Actually, appreciate food that is not ridiculously high priced in general. 

Appreciate the convenience of not having an allergy. 

Live life and eat all the chalupas you can, for those of us that can't.

& now I'm hungry.

So very very hungry.

I'm Simply Wheatless Shelby Sue

P.s. Excuse me while I stuff my face with gluten-free pretzels.

I'm back, though I never really left.

I'm trying to make myself write again.

& yes, you read that right "try". 

Such a pathetic word when all you've wanted to be your entire life was a writer. All you want to be is a writer and you are forcing yourself to write. How does one get here? I would tell you, but honestly I don't know. One day, I just woke up and lost ambition. Not only for writing, but for a lot of things really. It is all more than likely a result of my life sort of falling apart, which is another thing that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Writers supposedly thrive off depressing matters and here I am at such a depressing time in my life and to write this is a chore. A year ago, I thought I was finally piecing my life together and a year later, it's sort of like my puzzle got wet. You know what I mean? When you spill koolaid on your new puzzle and the pieces just never quite fit together and the picture is warped, so putting it back together takes much longer and is a struggle. 

I can't believe I just compared my life to a kool-aid stained puzzle.

But I did, and I'm not going to erase it because the imagery works good enough for you to understand what I mean. My puzzle just doesn't want to go back together quite yet. I thought I was ready to tackle life and achieve great things; life on the other hand thought I was ready for another loop-d-loop.   So here are three quick updates on my life for those who don't know, which I'm not sure a lot of people know.

• I am currently a college drop-out.
• Though, I do at least have my Associate's degree.
• Yes I am looking at other colleges.
• Preferably online.
• I just don't know where.
• And these personal statements might make me never send in my applications.
• I still don't know what's wrong with me.
• Yes, I still feel crappy 90% of the time.
• Yes, I'm still trying to figure it all out.
• But, hey, we'll figure it out eventually right?
• I'm getting healthy (betcha didn't see that one coming).
• I have lost around 25 pounds.
• I am not anywhere near my goal.
• I legitimately like vegetables. 

Those are just a few of the loop-d-loops in my life that I don't mind sharing. These things have made me question my ability to do most everything. 

& that's essentially why I stopped sharing my writings. I questioned my ability. I questioned the quality. I questioned everything about every single piece I finished that I didn't want to share them. In a day and age where everyone is a writer, I felt like I was just another person who could write so-so; I didn't want people thinking I was doing it for the attention [like a few people have said]. I write because I love it. I write because it allows me to become another person or share the thoughts that swirl around in my head. Being a vivid daydreamer and overthinker, I think my brain would explode if I didn't write.

So today...out of nowhere... I decided maybe sharing my writings wasn't such a bad idea. Maybe writing for the general public isn't so bad. Maybe it will help me through this weird time in life. And maybe, my words can help somebody else out.

I did originally intend for my semester off to be time off to work on my novel. & my novel is only about seven chapters and lacks any depth whatsoever. I do have about 50 blogs I have written though and not published. So while it is in the works, I might as well put some effort back into this blog and share the thoughts I have had over the last few months.

So while this blog has been on and off again since it has started, I guess it is time for it to be on again. Maybe I'll find some consistency and maybe I'll receive feedback that can help me find my direction in life... so if you have the map of my life plan, feel free to send it my way. 

Until then, I'm a little bit lost, a 50/50 of healthy and unhealthy, and now a bit more sharing...

I'm Simply Shelby Sue

P.s. Start taking bets on how many blogs it takes for me to lose consistency.

If you wanna get with me, you better listen carefully...

Note: this blog does contain the occasional curse word. I guess I was just feeling like a sailor when writing it.

Nothing like a little Spice Girls to spark a new blog...

Relationships are tricky things- they are not just something to rush into. If you think about it, you are adding another person into your life for them to share your thoughts , your worries, your emotions, and  your day to day to happenings; everything in your life will become apart of their life. It is sort of frightening how much of you will become them and how much of them will become you. 

It's like a huge business deal really. 

& you don't want to rush into a business deal. If you rush into a business deal, you could sign away your life and and be stuck with something, for lack of better words, that is just plain shitty. I do not know about you , but I would rather have something of quality versus having something to just have something.

This is coming from a single mindset.

I mean you date and stuff like that, but you haven't found someone that you want to latch onto for a long period of time. And the longer time spent, it seems either your standards get more complicated or you get just a little bit pickier; you are just afraid of settling for something less than extraordinary.

&  If you are like this, you are like me.

You try things out and get a feel for it. If you don't get a good vibe, you don't continue things. Because first, you don't want to break some one's heart; you don't want to lead them on if you just have a gut instinct that you know it just isn't going to go anywhere. Secondly, if you are feeling like they are not really into it, you don't want to get hurt either. It becomes a balancing act of feelings and emotions and eventually you back off because it just doesn't seem worth the trouble. For me there is no reason to pursue someone if there are certain things about them that just don't feel right or frankly annoy the shit out of me already. I mean sometimes you grow to love some one's annoying qualities or habits. But I don't get how if from the very very very beginning, you are annoyed as shit by some of their qualities, how you are never not going to be annoyed by shit by them. You can't grow to love something 100%  if you only initially like it 50% , right?

The dating process is just hell really. 

In my case, I know I am a very annoying person. So not only do I have to worry about finding someone who doesn't annoy the hell out of me, I also have to find someone who doesn't find me annoying as hell and maybe finds my annoyances cute. Maybe they will think it is one of my quirks. "I'm an annoying child sometimes, but hey, it's my quirk. LOVE ME ALREADY DAMMIT".

But, as you are looking and finding people, we all compile these lists. Lists of things that you want to find in your love interest and lists of things you can see yourself with; lists of traits and characteristics that you want in your ideal perfect man or woman. I mean it is kind of sickening that we as society have come to do these things, but we all do it. Each man has their "perfect" woman and every lady has their "perfect" fella. It's something that is inevitable. We all have something that we need.

& I think it's okay to have standards. A basic list- if your list is like 30 things long, you need to be slapped on the head and sent a reality check. Because my dear people, nobody, unless you have a potion, or some practical magic, or a witch as an aunt or a magic wand, is going to find somebody to fit this unrealistic list of standards you have set. I would say a good number of wants is 5 or less. Maybe have one that is absolute, then a ranking of highest priority to least priority. If you find somebody that has all five of these traits, he or she's a keeper. I think lists like these are fine because you have to have your base set of what you initially want from somebody to even know whether they are going to be right. Without that you are just going in blind-sighted, giving people chances left and right - you have no idea in hell. But if you are going off your list  and you aren't having any luck, throw the list away and give whoever a chance. You  might meet the love of your life because you are no longer trying to find someone to fit this picture of perfection you have painted. You might not really know what is best for you. That being said, there is no formula to find love- you just kind of have to go with the flow of every situation to learn what truly works and what just needs to be a definite no.

A typical list for most people is pretty superficial because we as human beings are superficial.

If someone had to pick five, it would probably look something like this:

• -Great [Eyes, Smile, Hair]
• -Insert body type here
• -Insert personality trait here
• -Probably insert another personality trait here
• -Insert profession here

As a single lady in this vast world of potential men that never seems as vast as it really is, I am searching for things other than good looks or certain professions;  they are not necessarily personality or traits or beauty related things. But by having expectations like mine, I am able to find a ton of people who fit into what I imagine as what is compatible for me. The qualities I seek aren't something that isn't necessarily in a list form, which I know SHOCKER, I am not going to write the rest of this blog in list form. It's odd and not like me, but it is what it is.

So deal with it yo.

Forewarning, what you are about to read is just a hodgepodge mess that makes perfect sense to me. If it makes sense to you as you are reading it and you feel like yeah, I totally see this and get what she's saying, you should probably be my best friend because it is completely bat shit rambles. 

Here goes nothing trying to explain what my ideal relationship is....

I don't need somebody to text me 24/7. 

 

That gets kind of annoying. A good night text occasionally can be cute and sweet; if they are a routine thing, they lose meaning and are just kind of stupid honestly. Don't even get me started on good morning texts. Yes, if we are officially dating, it can be a wonderful thing. & by dating, I mean my friends know you and I consider you sort of kind of like my boyfriend. Not, we are texting. Texting is not dating.... but that is a rant of its own. But occasionally still, with a grain of salt, these sort of texts can be sort of okay. Think about it though. You just wake up and immediately have to say good morning to me? You more than likely aren't going to be the first thing on my mind when I wake up.... well maybe, if we are in the first stages of swooning, or if I am missing you because you are my boo. But most of the time? Nope. You won't be the first thing on my mind. When I wake up, I'm thinking I need to brush my teeth, I need a banana, where the hell is my water... If your first instinct when you wake up is to grab your phone and text me "good morning" it is just weird. Like I'm not that great of a person that I know I am definitely not worth of being greater than brushing your teeth or eating breakfast. It's just creepy. It leaves a bad tastes in your mouth sort of thing. you know what i am saying? Of course, I am exaggerating a little bit and I will admit that I have sent a good morning text here or there. I was a juvenile teenager at one point. Talking to you in the morning is not a bad thing. Snapchat me your fantastic breakfast. Text me a knock-knock joke. Starting the day off talking to you is a great thing, but wishing me a good morning? Nope. Just nope.

I look for somebody who I can be comfortable around.

I can go to the bar and have a few too many drinks, be my annoying self while singing along to all the songs [pretend like I know all the words, when you and I both know I don't, but I'll sing my heart out anyways], pull you out to dance and you'll go along with it. Yes, I'm embarrassing. But I know and own up to the fact that I am embarrassing and I just want someone who accepts my embarrassing and thinks yeah, you're pretty "rad and embarrassing". There is something about being in the same room as another person and just feeling completely comfortable. You can split up and go do your own thing, but when you see them across the room you are just genuinely glad they are there. you are glad they are in your presence and you like being around them because they provide this good aura? this might be the right word- it is just they are "pleasing" to be around? You get what I mean. If you are around them, and their friends, you are at complete ease. Even if their friends are sort of annoying or your friends are annoying, you both just equally go for the flow and just have fun. that's the type of person I need to be with. Someone who meshes, deals with whatever friends have tagged along, and has a good time; even if they don't know the song playing or anybody in the bar but you, or didn't even feel like going out, they still have fun. That's just something I think is important.

And then there is this whole distance thing.

Distance is not a problem for me- for me, distance truly does make the heart grow founder because you appreciate the bit of time you  get to spend around them. Distance is especially great in the getting to know them process because you can be a hot mess and still do your thing, without them constantly being around to question why you did something. I think there is something wonderful about being away from each other for two to three weeks, but being able to pick up right where you left off.  Even if we are apart, we are still "interested, "In like", or "in love" with each other. When you have finally found the right person, you should be able to be away from them, still care about them just as much, and be able to trust them- at least this is my viewpoint. I've never been one of those girls that needs to be with a guy every day. I like having my own personal time- from reading to writing, I need some time that is just for me. Don't get me wrong, distance does have its affect on some things...like cuddling for instance. It's nice, but it isn't necessary all the time. Like winter months, yes. summer months, not so much. When it is storming, I would prefer to not be alone- but it is something you can survive. I just want somebody who I genuinely have a good time with and if that means there are some miles between us, that is cool with me.

Another pretty important detail is...

To not only in love with baseball, but particularly Cardinals baseball. I just don't know how I feel about someone who bats for another team. Cardinals have my heart and I just don't know how I feel about dating someone who doesn't appreciate how wonderful they are. I need someone to share in my love of Yadi and yell, Molina, Molina, Molina with me. That being said, I enjoy most baseball games; so if we were to find ourselves in random city and decide to hit up a random game, we could go and have fun; being able to kick back, enjoy the franks, beer, and ice cream, and not worry because we both are enjoying ourselves. I want someone who fits into the atmosphere of a baseball game and is completely in love with it like I am. I just like that. I like everything it entails and I like knowing that the person I'm with likes it. If I dated someone who didn't like baseball, I really don't think we would have a ton to talk about at  the end of the day. Because if you don't like baseball, you don't like America, and I'm not okay with that. Football? Eh, I can handle it. But I'm a good negotiator.  You love the Cardinals and I will learn to love whatever football team you deem wonderful. You can make me their biggest fan, but you can't take my heart away from the Cardinals.

It is signed, sealed, delivered.

Ultimately, accept me. I'm not always the most mature and probably never will be. I'm not always the most outgoing and you might have to pry my book out of my hands to get me to leave the house. I am a weird person and if someone can accept my weird, maybe appreciate it a little bit, then that is great.

I want somebody who is able to go out and get drunk every once awhile.

If you can't have a good time at a bar, it's just like who are you? The bar is like candy land for adults. Shots. Beer galore. I mean I am not saying I want an alcoholic for a soul-mate, but I do require someone who has the occasional drunken, sloppy night.  Why? Because I occasionally have the drunken, sloppy nights. It makes me human. It makes you human. You can't love someone truly until you clean up their puke once or twice; bonus points if you put my hair into a ponytail for me. If you do that, all I am thinking is  "you are wonderful, let's fall in love".

Another example of why I'm weird and why I'm probably going to be single for quite some time.

All in all

You have got to be fine with not being clingy, but don't mind when I occasionally am. Because when I am under the influence, I just like to talk to people, especially people I like because they make me smile. Also you will have to know that I don't really text first unless I am drinking because I'm awkward and I don't know how I feel about starting a conversation out of nowhere on a Wednesday. Do I want to let you know that I am thinking about you while enjoying my coffee on a lunch break? Is that going too far too soon? But if you want to, feel free. I'll chime in, talk away, and won't even think it odd at all.  I will reply when I reply to text messages and don't think about how much time it took me to reply [well I occasionally do. I have that minute of anxiety and then say, eff it. it is just a text message, because really that is all it is].  If you don't mind that I send long freaking texts because I have always struggled with summarizing and provide more details than I should- then we're set. It would be nice if the guy I am swooning for would send more than a few words as a reply, but if he's great in every other aspect, I'll let that slide. And never be afraid to actually pick up the phone and call. Phone calls > text messages any day.

Don't make things weird and don't make things awkward. If we aren't super awkward around each other, that's a big sign.

Right now, I'm going with the flow of things. I'm finding people who I don't normally talk to and going out of my comfort zone. I'm actually trying to initiate conversations or invite a guy I think is cute to the bar because why the hell not? We read far too much into things these days. I'm simply 21, almost 22 and I should be able to go have a few drinks at the bar with a cute guy and not have any expectations.  I'm just now at the age where I could even think about finding that person that is my person. That might be the scariest realization of all, but growing up is scary and totally necessary.

 

 & those are my relationship rambles of today. 

I've been getting a lot of questions about how or why I blog the things I do- what inspires me? Well, today I have been inspired by the fact that I'm chilling in my bed, eating gluten free pizza, with nothing to do. Along with the fact that I am facing the dreaded birthday of turning another year older. I've also read probably a few too many thought catalog posts on why you are still single because they are like crack and I can't stop. Then also, there is the world around me. The dates that I have no idea whether they were actually a date or not. The guys who I'm not sure whether I should reply to or not. The creepy Tinder messages asking me to be their Tinderellla. I write based off life and the millions of things happening.

Last thought tips. If you are into a girl or guy at all, give them a chance. It never hurts to try because sometimes people will surprise you. If someone texts you, there is a good chance they are interested. Guys, if a girl texts you and you don't reply, this leads them to wondering what they did wrong- so just shoot em a text like, it was fun, but I don't think we'd work out in the long run. Sure, it's sort of painful, but at least she is not left wondering. Same with girls. If you aren't into a guy, tell him. Guys and girls are a lot more alike than we all think. Most importantly, just do your thing. Don't worry about living a life to find a suitable mate. Live a life that suits you and everything you love to do. For me, my life consists of a daily struggle of trying to get back in shape, learning to love my veggies, and watching way more television than a person should- I didn't choose this lifestyle to score me a man, I chose it because it's what right for me, myself, and I.

I'm Simply Single Shelby Sue

P.s. Does anybody else every equally stress about how the first kiss goes? Especially if you really like that guy? If it goes swimmingly, things are fine, but if it goes bad, that is a whole different story. If you really like this guy, you have to put up with awful kissing and decide whether they are really worth it. Just think, you could be stuck with a bad kisser the rest of your life if they aren't trainable. Scary thoughts yo. 

5 Months

I honestly had no idea that I had been absent from the writing world for that long- that is the public writing world. A writers mind never sleeps and is writing even if you would rather just be sitting in silence.... but as usual, I digress.

I've been waiting to post new thoughts for awhile because I had hoped to do a blog relaunch on a new platform. That being said, I am a perfectionist and the new blog launch is taking too long- I have thoughts and words and things to be said. So instead of postponing my thoughts and ideas, I have decided to once again write my ramblings for you all to read and hopefully enjoy; if you don't enjoy them, sorry I am terribly not sorry- it's not my fault you are a masochist.

Since we have last spoke, a lot has changed. And when I say a lot, I mean a tremendous amount. A lot just makes everything seem a little less scary. More than a few months ago, I wrote "at the end of the day, I cannot change me. I cannot change reality. I cannot change whatever plan life has in store for me. I just have to adjust and deal with the cards dealt currently. "

& that has what I have been doing. Dealing with the current round of cards that were dealt.

The bitter winter worked its magic on both my emotional and physical health, and I found myself in a all too familiar and horrible place. The second semester blues, or as I liked to call it, "the second semester same realization you have had every year at this university."  The university has become like a fall back romance. You know the one I am talking about? The guy who you have a so-so connection with, but never truly wanted. The one who you just fall back to because at first they are safe and familiar; then, you remember why you left them the first time. After getting back into the campus culture, I again found myself immersed in anxiety stemming from those around me. Constantly questioning my intelligence and comparing myself to the other students. When in reality, I know I am quite intelligent; my intelligence might differ from those who deem themselves as more scholarly, but nonetheless, I am no idiot.  And I don't mean to come off as uppity; I am not claiming to be the next Einstein, but I do have some smarts. But uppity people were the reason I was questioning anything and everything I knew. I suppose I should have inserted a disclaimer somewhere in here that not everyone at this university is that way. But a few bad apples make you despair the world of which you are surrounded; and those few always seem to be more plentiful than in reality they actually are.

So that was how my year started off. Now if life were a game and we kept score, by February, I was already a lost cause. The score would probably look something like this...

Health- 150, School- 500, Shelby-0

Losing quite terribly had kind of become my game at this point. Now here is the turning point where I could either, to quote high school musical, "get my, get my head in the game" and try to save myself from drowning in coursework and health issues. Or, I could do what I did. Take a step back. Examine what is going on. Have a few breakdowns [ because every sane person should break in the situation of which I was faced]. Then figure out what exactly would be best for myself.

First, I removed myself from the environment that was the cause of the problem. I stopped listening to all the other opinions and advice that people were giving, and simply looked inside myself. And the core of the problem, was something quite simple actually.  I was incredibly unhappy.

I know myself pretty well most of the time. There is the normal everyday unhappy that is caused by the years of social damage. There is the broken heart unhappy and that ship had already sailed. There is the "everything sucks because I say so" unhappy that is just inevitable in a 20 somethings life. But this was a whole new level. It's hard to put such emotions into words, but essentially my world was gray-scale. Everything I looked at, read, listened to, watched, or passed by produced a negative thought. This negativity was blackening. The only place of comfort was my bed, but even there I was stuck with a mind constantly thinking about everything wrong 24/7. While I may not be the most social butterfly or optimistic person, this was not me.  I, on my good days, am an extroverted introvert. I love to be the wallflower that sits to the side and notices the quaint little things. But I don't mind being around people at times either and injecting myself in conversation. I love hearing the thoughts of others and taking in their perspectives. & when the music is right, you will find me doing karaoke and dancing with my good friends because that is what normal people do. But to even venture to my friends houses became a chore- which should never be a thing ever. & don't even think about going to class. When you feel ill from physical sickness and emotional sickness, leaving your bed for anything that is not a 100% requirement just  isn't something you do. It was a daily struggle- and most of the time, the bed and sicknesses won. Those who know me fairly well know that I have a passion for learning new things; I am the person that Buzzfeed writes those "50 facts about _____" for. I live for random knowledge to fill my noggin and going to classes is at least a quality hour of furthering my knowledge. In the new state of unhappy I developed, I had lost all will to fight to participate in activities that are normally activities of enjoyment.

So another question forms. How did I, a person who likes people to extent and loves learning new things end up in this situation? & to answer that question, would take years of back-story and explanation and how one can spiral from places they didn't even know they could spiral. When you let the world control who you are, you can never truly find happiness and live your life.

 I have written before about loving yourself before you can let others love you; and though, I had written that. I never knew exactly what I was talking about, until I realized I hated myself.

I hated the girl who was starring me back every morning. I hated who I had become. I hated that I put my family, friends, and grade point average through hell and back. I hated that I let this unhappiness overwhelm and I hated that I never realized that I  had been doing it for years. Years and years and years, I was merely a face with so many mes that I couldn't piece together who I wanted to be. Now, reading all these ramblings back, I think I might be coming off a little bit crazy. Which, in all honesty, everyone is a little bit crazy, but I am not to the extent of crazy that I might be coming off. I am just tragically realistic. That is the first thing I learned. You cannot alter reality just because it is treating you badly. You rip off the mask and take a good look at what has come. So I did. I realized what had happened in a short few months. That is when I realized a good chunk of the unhappiness revovled around this University.  & I am all for sticking things out and overcoming hurdles, but when you are persistently trying to make something work that just doesn't, it so isn't fetch. 

[if you didn't catch that Mean Girls reference, you can't sit with me].

So now that I realized that my unhappiness was stemming from my university, I removed myself from it. It was just like the removal of a splinter; a pain in the butt and painful, but the relief felt afterwards was godly. I am sure some may see that as running away from my problems, but it was actually confronting the problem head on. Upon leaving, I was faced with the initial panic attacks that I was throwing away my life. The emails from professors, the exit interviews, the million emails from financial aid. All of it.  Don't even get me started on when people asked me, "so will you be graduating this year?" or even better, "what are your plans?" A million responses formed in my head, but I always managed to mumble out some form of b.s. to please the masses. But once the initial few weeks ended, I did nothing. You heard me right. Nothing. I went to work, came home, watched television. I had days where I barely moved for 14 hours. Thankfully, I have loving parents who let me do nothing and not bother with asking what my plans were- but don't think that they didn't care. I know they want me to continue to get my education and finish my degree; I also know that is something I want, so thankfully we are on the same track.

Eventually my days of doing nothing came to end and I started piecing myself and life back together. 

 

 & it was surprisingly quite easy. When you look at all that's wrong, it is easy to find a way to fix the things. The difficult part is sticking with the solutions and making them actually happen.  The process might be long and drawn out, but the thing about life is that it is never a clear cut path- that is just something you have to accept.  So to make this blog follow the normal post outline, it needs a list of bullet points. WHAT IS A  BLOG POST WITHOUT AT LEAST ONE LIST? It is nothing that great- that is what it is. So for your reading pleasure, here is what I did to pick up my pieces and start again.

How to get your stuff together:

1. Take Control of your Health: When you always feel like crap, it is hard to care about what you are putting into your body; you want things that taste good and you want them now. What is this cooking crap? It's stupid- well, until you know how great cooking can actually be. The more junk you consume, the more junk in your trunk, and the more junky you feel. Eating healthy is a never ending process. Learn to read labels and learn to set goals. My first step was to watch my sodium intake- and that was all I focused on because if you focus on everything all at once you are back to being a jumbled up mess [and more than likely hungry because you have no idea what you are doing]. So I watched that and became more aware of what I was eating- yet I still felt absolutely awful. That's when time called for a doctor's visit..... and guess what? I am officially a Celiac- yup, one of those. [and if you want a spin off article that perfectly describes this battle, check out this super fly article by a Miss Magnolia]. Not only that, the doctor gave me further health orders. The most obvious, eliminate all wheat, barely, and rye; he also ordered me to eliminate all processed sugar, monitor and up my fiber intake, and work out as vigorously as possible. I am riding the struggle bus in sugar withdrawals. On the bright side, natural sugars are fine- so my fridge is stocked with fruit to nibble on all day long. So with health orders in line, my goals are to follow the doctor's orders, get my butt in the gym and be as active as possible, and focus on getting healthier. Getting in control of your health isn't about losing weight or obtaining a certain silhouette, it is about improving your life and living life to the fullest.

2. Cut out the negativity: Emotional health is important too. While I still can be a Negative Nancy at times, I have realized that not everything has to have a bad connotation to it. Own what you love to do and do not let others make you feel inferior. So what I did here may or may not be good advice because I do what I want and do not always think things through.... but I sort of kind of might have most definiltely deleted people from my phone who I thought, for lack of better words, were complete assholes. They posted something ignorant on Facebook? De-friend. I am not recommending you go on a deleting spree. It isn't about removing people from your life just to remove people from your life. I'm talking about putting certain negative people in the past and sometimes the only way to do that is to simply say goodbye. When you close a terrible chapter of your life, you allow room for more to open - I think you'll find that the new chapters are way better than the old.

3. Realize who is in your corner: No matter what you may think, you are not alone. You have people that would do anything for you and love you unconditionally no matter what you put them through. Realize who these people are and make an effort to see them. You will more than likely have to catch them up on what the hell has been going on and you will need to apologize. We often blame others for not making an effort to see us, but where was our effort? Friendships take more than one person, so the blame cannot be put on just one person solely. For me, I had alienated myself from a good chunk of my friends; but thankfully, they took me back with open arms and we started right where we left off.


4. Research: The internet can be your best friend when used correctly. Explore. Find what interests you. Turn that into what you pursue. To achieve your goals, they must be something you want. If you do not want something, how in the hell do you think you would achieve that goal? Humans are known for setting themselves up to fail. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Dream big and you can achieve great things; no matter what pathway it took you to get there, everything will be okay in the end because you followed what you were passionate about. For me, I am still somewhat unsure of what exactly I want to do. I know I want a degree in public relations. My ideal job is to be a social media correspondent for a company like [cough cough] MTV [cough cough] or something; I also dream of being a  published author one day.  I know my somewhat pathway. Now all I need to do is figure out and research how I want to achieve these goals. Finding which college is the right fit to finish my degree will be one of the first things of course, but then I will just go from there. With research in hand, the possibilities are endless.

& most importantly....

5. Own who you are: I cannot stress this enough. Through getting your life together, you truly find out who you are and now that you know, you should not deny it. Whether you find that you are extremely anti-social or your discover you really have a thing for guys with beards, OWN IT. Every little thing you enjoy and love becomes apart of you and is apart of your quirks. Yes, whether you admit it are not, everyone is quirky. Some are just a bit more proud of their quirks than others. So while I'm preaching for you to own who you are, you might be questioning who I am. Well, I am a lot of things and not a lot of things. I am weird, but this is not a new discovery. I am extremely awkward and am completely oblivious to a lot of social cues. I adore having random conversations with people. I send long text messages because I like to write and am not good with sentence fragments- punctuation is a must. I love my hometown friends more than anything. I cannot sing, but I love to sing and will sing my heart out whenever my favorite song is playing [this applies to any situation: at the store, the bars, my car, at work]. I am the queen of procrastination. I actually really dislike clutter and am becoming the queen of organization [and realizing it is a very long process]. I am OCD and color coordinate my closet; it is also separated by sleeve length and style. At night, I would rather someone call and strike up a conversation than send a text. I am simply me. & you must simply be you. Don't live your life trying to be what you think somewhat else wants you to be. You can't find happiness that way.

& so  here I am. While my life is still a mess, I feel completely content and have never been happier.

I finally realize what it is like to enjoy the little things in life again. From a cup of coffee to having just a few minutes of downtime, I am learning how to make the most out of life's little moments. While I might still worry about what to wear out, I go out as myself and have found confidence in that. With finding a way to live life and be content, a fog lifts from the world in which you live. You can finally see things for what they are and that is a lovely thing. I can finally strike up conversations with people and not worry about the outcome. I text people just to have a conversation and don't worry about what they might read into it [okay, I somewhat worry that I might be coming off as creepy, but that is a terrible downfall of texting]. I live each day as a new one and try to turn the negative thoughts into positive ones. Picking yourself up from rock bottom isn't a simple process. You will have the good days and the bad days, but the key is to always make sure you make the bad days good. Whether it is cheating on your diet with ice cream or simply chatting with a friend, the little things go a long way when you are feeling down.

& so these are my thoughts. Completely random rambles, but they are my completely random rambles.

I'm Simply finally Shelby Sue

P.s. Who is ready for snarky banter and random lists? I am- the ideas for new blogs are already flowing. Maybe I won't make you wait another five months for the next blog! If you took the time to actually read this long mess of words, I love you and you are my favorite.