Well Interweb world and followers and people who just clicked this link because I told them to, sorry I have abandoned you for the last few months. Between a laptop that broke, starting back up with school and my current schedule, I have little time for fun activities. But that being said, life without fun activities is a bore and I think it's time to bring the world my sense of opinion once more [that rhymed on accident].
This blog you are about to read is a composition that I have been working for quite some time actually. Over the past year, I have grown so much as an individual and defeated some things of which I never thought I could. Why I decided now, at this moment, to finally let my readers eyes gaze into this part of my life is beyond me. It's more or likely because I don't completely have time to write a new blog from scratch tonight or the fact that I am simply done holding things back.
This blog has been written in times of sadness, times of confusion, and the newest, final addition was written in a time of content.
Welcome to my roller-coaster of emotions and discovery in the department of love....
[oofie, that was cheesy]
Hopefully the title isn't too much of a tease.
Life definitely is not a fairy tale.
If you haven't noticed, my life lately has been a world wind of thoughts, emotions, and ideas. I feel like every time I go for a drive, my mind flourishes with fascinating struggles to understand the current reality of many different portions of my life. As I was driving alone to work the other day with my thoughts, the radio played songs of love, adultery, alcohol, broken hearts, young romance, butterflies in your stomach- are you sensing a theme here? Because I sure am.
The world today is a hopeless romantic.
We fall for the pretense of a relationship. Thinking the first time we meet a potential mate that we will end up with them- automatically day dreaming about how you will tell your grand kids about their "pops" and how you two met in the funniest way. It is the idea instilled in our head at an extremely young age; and the things we learn in childhood stick with us for the rest of our life. I still to this day want to be a Disney Princess- minus the whole fairytale love aspect. You might be thinking- why does this girl not want to have a fairytale love? My answer is quite simple. I do not want a fairytale love because frankly there is no such thing.
It's a bunch of hogwash.
To begin, everybody's idea of a fairytale romance is different- that's simply just a given. Overall though [no matter your vision] dating is nothing like what you daydreamed about when you are young and quite naive. It is not necessarily that I am holding out for a fairy god mother and a carriage made from pumpkins; I do not want a Prince who has to try a shoe on every maiden in town before he realizes it was me. Though- let us be real. The whole idea of a pumpkin turning into a carriage is still pretty cool.
I just want something easy, simplistic. That is what I idolize most. From cartoons to romantic comedies, everything happens on a whim- even when they throw in the complicated twist, things turn out perfectly. No- I do not ever wish to live a perfect life with a perfect house and the perfect two children- one boy, one girl. That would make things ever so boring. I do however wish that it was as simple as getting shot with an arrow by a little man named Cupid. How do you know when something is worth fighting for? And how do you know when to simply give up?
Cue some Whitney Houston: "How do I know if he really loves me?"
In college [from a woman's perspective], guys seem to be after a few things- and a lady is not one of them. If you are are "easy and available", you most likely are not single. The girls, who jump from guy to guy seeing which perks they can enjoy most, are more likely to be in relationship; but more than likely in these relationships, there is no compassion outside of the bedroom. Stemming away from that, there is the whole realm of the skinny stigma. It is not just the media that sways society's thoughts about bodies; it is men and women fueling the fire. If you put an average person next to an athletic person and ask a person to pick which one looks more datable [no personalities included], 9 times out of 10 they will pick the one that is more in shape. We are just very egotistical beings. In today's world, it all about climbing the ladder to the top. How is one supposed to climb the ladder of success when their mate is at the bottom eating a doughnut? The more fit one is the more likely they are to be categorized as "datable".
Now time for Shelby's personal stories from which this blog stems....
As you know, I sign most of my blogs that "I'm Simply Shelby Sue" because well that is what I am. I am not Sam, who does not like green eggs and ham. I am not the Krusty Krab, nor am I Patrick. I am Shelby Sue who is petite, with curves [you have already read that rant] and I can devour a whole bag of Cheetos if you let me at em. I would rather stay in on a Friday night and play Sims video games by myself than deal with people. I thoroughly enjoy cheesy, chick flicks. I hate short, shorts, but wear them because my inner nonconformist is self-conscience. I feel as if celebrities are my best friends and they just do not know it yet; that being said, I get way to into pop culture. Long story summed up: I am weird. I do not fall into the category of "the norm", who tend to be the ones who find love so easily.
This leads me to go with what is comfortable and familiar, rather than what is actually right or seeking out something new. & by doing so, I have found myself on this sinking ship. I had come to this point where everything had built up and it all came crashing down one, by one. The dam broke and out poured years of emotions, both good and bad. Even with my all 21 years of life experience, there was no explanation how to go about handling where I had landed.
Cue the Melodramatics Because I Say So
You know when someone disappears from your life? It hurts. Let alone multiple people. Sometimes in life, you are blessed with people who will always be around, but there are others who just make appearances. Of course, those relationships that have ended terribly are simply just an appearance. We shouldn't waste our spare time thinking about them or what could have been. I say we shouldn't because we all do. Some of my past relationships still haunt me to this day; a few months ago, that would have controlled my life still. Now, I remember it, forget, and move on with my freaking life. Here is where things get problematic...
There are some people, never in a million years, would you have thought to be a temporary appearance. Think about it. Most people have that friend that has always been there. Growing up in a small community, I have been "lucky" to have multiple friends that have always been around for my beck and call. Just as life goes, you tend to gravitate and become closer with some than you are with others. Add in a boy/girl friendship and you have the makings for a classic romantic comedy... That is if romantic comedies were real life- which they most certainly are not. In real life, the whole "romance" aspect just ultimately ruins everything that has been built. DO NOT- I REPEAT- DO NOT FALL FOR YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS. I made the mistake- well actually, I'll admit it, I have made that mistake multiple times. Obviously, this mistake [prepare for a Miley reference] came in like a wrecking ball and destroyed me.
I think you know what is coming next [short-story time]....
Slowly but surely, two people I have known for years has been disappearing from my life. These two guys were my rocks in time of need. One, was a way better rock than the other, but still. They did not necessarily volunteer to be in my life, but for somehow or some reason they were. I depended on them, which is my first mistake. Never depend on somebody, especially at such a young age when you are developing into the person you want to be. To make two very long stories short, Little incidents, lead to bigger incidents, eventually resulting in the end of two relationships I held close to my heart.
And the worst part is, I had to make them go away because keeping them in my life really was not possible. At what I call my "rock bottom", I would cringe at their names, tweets, Facebook updates. It made me feel like I did something wrong, when I did noting but actually fall. I fell into the wrong arms and let myself stay there for years, even though they were never truly comforting or truly there. The fact that I was bothered by social media in general is disturbing, let alone the fact that I blamed it all on myself, placing little blame on them. Then, the question is posed that had I known these relationships were toxic, would I rewind and make them never happen? Never. These two people, though they hypothetically ran me over with their cars and broke every bit of me, made me stronger. They made me realize that all these years I never truly was an independent soul.
I cared so much about someone wanting to need me, that I forgot about what I actually needed..
Moving forward is tough, but an extremely necessary thing. But even when we let go of the emotions and attachment, the memories always stick. There will be those haunting flashbacks- that's life. The trick is to how you handle it. Try not to react. Brush them off. Never let them get you because when that happens, they win. You become the loser and that scenario needs to be flipped around. You have become strong and moved on; the moment you find you enjoy life without their old, stupid baggage, you win. No longer needing to please or pretend, you get to be yourself and you are the most beautiful person. When you look in the mirror, see the beautiful, strong human being you are. Ignore the biased flaws created by the socially constructed world because someday someone will love you no matter what. That person will see the soul that shines so brightly and they'll linger to hold it, capture it, cherish it. To them, your flaws are what make you beautiful- they are bonuses really. They'll love your frizzy hair, your freckles, and yes they will love your cellulite and muffin tops. They'll love it because all of those things are what make up you. In the end, if two people are meant to be it will never be a superficial feeling. When you allow yourself to look forward to the great potentials, the hauntings will dissipate. The bagagge becomes light. You become free to be loved by not only yourself, but by someone out there who will never want to hurt you.
I have been hurt by almost every relationship I have been in. It is never all their fault; it is always a 50/50 thing. I am at fault for being myself. I fell, I cared, and I never realized my flaw of accepting someone for everything, thinking they will do the same. The truth is, not every person will. There are good and bad people out in the world. I like to think life gave me so many bad apples because they knew for someone reason I needed to be broken to become who I truly wanted to be. Sometimes the falling into love is so intoxicating, you fall addicted to similar patterns and routines. The only way to break the habit is to take the time needed, heal the old broken wounds, and ultimately forgive and forget. That part seems impossible, but it most definitely is not. Within the last year, I thought I had lost at life. I gave up on love. I gave up on hope. I did not think I could change because I thought I was the problem. But for some reason, merely four months ago, I decided that was not good enough. I decided that becoming all emotional and depressed over things that cannot be changed was just silly. Never are you truly the problem. These issues I have struggled with for years happen everyday. I am sure there are multiple men and women trying to figure out where they went wrong. Though I have let the past go and come to a realization that the future is brighter, I still have to accept the fact that I might be alone the rest of my life and that is an extremely scary thing.
& with all these thoughts, I am still left wondering...
Prince Charming cannot possibly, exist? Can he?
& even if he did, I would probably let myself ruin it because I am terribly good at that.. I struggle to let people in because I am afraid to end up hurt and once again alone. It is something that challenges me everyday, but I am working on it. Add in the additional factors that I am extremely awkward and I lack the communication skills that keep a relationship afloat. For real though, I'm too snarky and sarcastic for this text messaging craze. Also, I
do not know how to handle my feelings or even handle myself. My life is always a complicated mess and my whole past love life portion looks like an episode of Hoarders gone extremely awry. Feelings and Emotions. Ew- what are those things? Get em out of here.
All I know is to cherish your friendships you have now. Accept new challenges and do not fear the fall. Though you might fall when another person does not, at least you tried- that is something to be proud of. Without attempting, you might never know what could happen and you might miss out on something beautiful. Enjoy every moment of discovery and learn to forget your fears. Again, by doing this we might get hurt, but life is an adventure. By letting ourselves be vulnerable we become better versions of ourselves. These people we might have never let in could become one of your favorite parts of your life. By channeling our inner elementary self, we remember the lovely feelings of puppy love.
Silly me, as I'm contemplating this "Fifteen" by Taylor Swift comes on my playlist. Through the speakers and into my ears flow words about being "young and naive" about love. I suppose I am still naive about love because I believe it still is a possibility. Even after all this, I know why I hold out and do not rush into things. If an initial good instinct is never there, it never will be. You have to love them from the first conversation, without knowing you love them. Through time, it will become something wonderful if it's mutual. If the process of falling isn't sweeping you off your feet, it's not there. It lacks the luster needed of a sliver screen worthy love and that is the type of love I am holding out for because settling really is not my style.
At the end of the day, I cannot change me. I cannot change reality. I cannot change whatever plan life has in store for me. I just have to adjust and deal with the cards dealt currently.
& if any of you are in the same boat, I am sure your soul-mates are somewhere out there siting on the dock of the bay.
And all these thoughts and rants are what make me....
Simply Single Shelby Sue
P.s. If you are my soul mate reading this, please come and take me away to Hogwarts or somewhere just as majestic. I would settle for Narnia or even somewhere perfect for star gazing. I would prefer not to go to Panem. It is not a very happy place.
